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Wednesday, 2026-04-08, 0:55 AM
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Jokes - Page 2 - Forum
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Jokes
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| Wolff | Date: Wednesday, 2012-02-15, 5:05 PM | Message # 16 |
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True Gamer
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| Flying saucer
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - ....it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."
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| Wolff | Date: Wednesday, 2012-02-15, 5:07 PM | Message # 17 |
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True Gamer
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| Bran Muffins
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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| Wolff | Date: Wednesday, 2012-02-15, 5:11 PM | Message # 18 |
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True Gamer
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| WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
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| Wolff | Date: Wednesday, 2012-02-15, 5:13 PM | Message # 19 |
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True Gamer
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| A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
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| Wolff | Date: Thursday, 2012-02-16, 12:06 PM | Message # 20 |
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True Gamer
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| Wanda, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Wanda's house... and left it there all night!
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| Wolff | Date: Thursday, 2012-02-16, 12:06 PM | Message # 21 |
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True Gamer
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| Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
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| Wolff | Date: Thursday, 2012-02-16, 12:08 PM | Message # 22 |
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True Gamer
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| Gorilla Chase!
There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didn't seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off. In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behind him. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. The gorilla! It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked straight into the bloodshot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly. This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it!”
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| Wolff | Date: Friday, 2012-02-17, 2:26 PM | Message # 23 |
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True Gamer
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| Exact change
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.. How do you manage to
always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
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| Wolff | Date: Saturday, 2012-02-18, 8:40 PM | Message # 24 |
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True Gamer
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| Wally's wedding night
At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action."
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: ."You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.
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| Wolff | Date: Saturday, 2012-02-18, 8:41 PM | Message # 25 |
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True Gamer
Group: Administrators
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| If my body was a car:
I would be trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps, dents, scratches & my headlights are out of focus.
My gearbox is seizing up & it takes me hours to reach maximum speed.
I overheat for no reason.
And every time I sneeze, cough or laugh
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
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| Wolff | Date: Saturday, 2012-02-18, 8:48 PM | Message # 26 |
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True Gamer
Group: Administrators
Messages: 161
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| A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
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| Wolff | Date: Sunday, 2012-02-19, 5:32 PM | Message # 27 |
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True Gamer
Group: Administrators
Messages: 161
Status: Offline
| A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was
looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put
on his gloves.
Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank
of latex.Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes
of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh well, I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a
delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
She said, "I was just picturing how condoms are made!"
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always
working!
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| Wolff | Date: Sunday, 2012-02-19, 5:33 PM | Message # 28 |
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True Gamer
Group: Administrators
Messages: 161
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| A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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| Wolff | Date: Tuesday, 2012-02-21, 3:13 PM | Message # 29 |
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True Gamer
Group: Administrators
Messages: 161
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| A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed
a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his
paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive, and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's
expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and bickering ensued, as to
how much the Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and
how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his
chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the shul, little old
Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers."
The entire congregation said, AMEN
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| Wolff | Date: Tuesday, 2012-02-21, 3:15 PM | Message # 30 |
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True Gamer
Group: Administrators
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| Released from the Army
Three soldiers had just been released from the Army. To celebrate, they decided to take a helicopter ride around the town.
The first soldier was eating a banana. "Hmmm..I wonder.. if we throw this peel out the helicopter, will we see it land?".
The other 2 soldiers shrugged and said go ahead and throw it out. They watched with anticipation, but they didn't see it land.
The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out the helicopter and said, "This is bigger than the peel. We oughta be able to see this land.". The soldiers all watched again, but nothing happened.
The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it. "NOW we'll see this land.". The soldiers watched again...nothing happened.
After the ride the soldiers were walking home. They saw a little girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?", the soldiers asked.
"Well.", said the girl, "I was just walking along and slipped on a banana peel that came our from no where.".
The soldiers explained what had happened on the heli- copter and carried the little girl home. As they were walking along once more they saw a little boy crying on the side of the road. "What's the matter, Son?".
"Well.", said the little boy, "I was just walking along when a rock hit me on the head.".
The soldiers again told their story and helped the little boy home. "I wonder what happened with the grenade?", said one soldier.
"Me too.", said another, so the soldiers went running down the road where they saw an old woman laughing hysterically. "Ma'am...what's so funny?".
The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I farted and my house blew up.".
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